Just Three Words - I Need You, I Miss You, I Am Sorry, and I Love You

I need you.

I only began to understand the meaning of these words the year 2011. I was always a bit of a lone ranger. I’d head straight into battle with or without the support of others. Sometimes people would follow and sometimes they wouldn’t. It didn’t matter.

The concept of interdependence rather than independence was taught to me a few years back in Psychology class. It was just a theory and a way of understanding social culture. Whether we like to admit it or not, we are all interdependent. Independence is an illusion created by fear and arrogance.

So, I learnt to accept that I’m not on my own. This meant putting the pride aside and admitting that I’m not okay on my own. I need help. “That’s all right,” they said. Those that love you will stick around and show you just that. They all did. Nobody disappeared. Asking for help or companionship does not make you weak. The asking in itself may make you stronger.

I miss you.

This is another lesson of the year 2011, and beyond. I never missed anyone. How could I? I had two homes, two lives and two lifestyles. When departing from one, there would be a few minutes of weeping, then I would simply forget. It is as if it never happened. It’s time to move on. The feelings fade into a distant memory.

This attitude is an advantage. You can experience different worlds and indulge in the best of both, never longing for anyone or anything. It’s a happy approach – flexible and unemotional. You can adapt and move quickly.

However... However, somebody or something may just pop into your life to mix things up a bit. Add a little extra emotional baggage to your luggage and you are good to go. Then wherever you go, you’ll find yourself relating inanimate objects to someone because it simply reminds you of them in some way. Surely enough, that beautiful city you once knew is no longer just “a beautiful city”, but it turns into that “beautiful city that you’d like to share with someone”. Show it to someone! Be there with someone! Be wherever “someone” is. Now that is a bummer! That’s the biggest bummer of all here!

I am sorry.

We’re all flawed humans – perfect in our imperfection. Part of that “limitation” involves knowing that somewhere down the line you’ll become the cause of someone else’s pain. That is painful to admit to oneself, and especially to someone else.

When you’re close enough to another person, I don’t think there is a need to say it. They know you well enough to know when you are saying it in your heart. Your deeds, your expression and behaviour will say it to them. It will be okay because you both recognise that anguish inside each other.

On the other hand, there are relationships that are still developing. They need nurture and reassurance. Silent recognition and acceptance is not enough yet. You must say it and you must be sincere. It’s not always easy because you want the other person to see it. Why must you say it when they can just see it and feel it in you? It’s because they need you to say it!

I learnt this one in 2009. Up until recently I had the compulsion to say “I’m sorry” for almost everything. It became annoying to those around me. I decided to stop saying “I’m sorry” when it’s not my fault or it doesn't matter. Only the apologies that matter, matter.

I love you.

People say this a lot. They say that some don’t say it often enough.

My theory: You shouldn’t have to say it! Your smile will do it for you. Your warm touch will imprint it on someone else’s spirit. Your heartfelt efforts and gestures will echo it. Your eyes will paint its picture in someone else’s vision.

Why say it? Well, just like “I am sorry”, people need reassurance. They need you to say it in order to believe it. Although I wonder, if it needs to be said, is it really even there? The relationship is still growing and has not yet reached mutual understanding so some things must be voiced to be believed. These are the same things that need to be reassured, and therefore still lack support.

Of course there is a difference between the “need” to say it and just saying it for the heck of it – a cherry on top. The latter is fine, even fun.

I guess that none of us really want to have to “say” it and “hear” it – not simply through the mouth and ears, that is. We want to get to a point where it’s evident. It is clear. It is all-encompassing, real and true. It is love.

Maja Dezulovic

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